“Hello, hola, bonjour, salaam,”
said the captain over the intercom.
“Our flight time’s quick, half an hour
once we get the ‘go ahead’ from the air-traffic tower.”

Dan put in headphones and shut his eyes.
He tunes out the captain whenever he flies,
So he dozed through the chit-chat of the airplane lifeguard,
and he never opened the trifold safety card.

Meanwhile in the cockpit, the captain knew
how long they would wait for the Air-traffic crew.
Austin to Houston is 3 hours by car!
Why wait to fly if it’s not very far?

He turned off the runway and onto the road,
and he tuned communications to airplane mode.
The captain signaled right with his arm out the window.
Dan changed the song and cozied up in his pillow.

Driving 290 is a breeze for a red-eye.
With very few cars the plane can just fly!
Except when the plane catches wind on the wing,
or cars drive too slow, to the captain’s chagrin.

Dan dozes in ‘cause he has to go pee,
but he knows he can’t unbuckle during a taxi.
He’s willing to wait until they reach altitude.
Doesn’t call on the stewardess so as not to be rude.

But the plane gets through Paige, then Hills, then Giddings
'till construction makes the captain worry about fitting.
With only one lane and a semi going slow
He wished he could honk. Planes can’t though.

Planes, unlike cars, don’t have horns or mirrors
Can’t make that noise or see out the rear
The aerodynamics would be bad for flying
But they’d help see police who sound up their siren

The captain slowed down and stopped on the shoulder.
Found license and registration in the documents folder.
The officer told him “your sticker is out of date!
It’s not there at all. Nor is the plate!”

He went to his cop car to look up the license.
The stop woke up Dan when he noticed the silence.
He thought they must finally be on the runway.
The officer returned with kind words to say,

“This plane has not been pulled over before,
So I’ll give you a warning. Drive safe, sir”.
And the Captain drove slowly to Dan’s chagrin,
but in the dark of 290, he fell asleep again.

A stewardess requested they stop for some jerky,
and another chimed in that she wanted a slurpee.
The captain obliged. “It’s a road-trip classic!”
He slowed for an exit where the dried meat’s fantastic,

but then came a sound from the airplane wing
as some poor women’s Kia received a new ding.
“Our insurance is generous,” the Captain reassured the ladies,
“If it covers crash landings, hell, you could get a Mercedes!"

So they called on a dispatch to get a report,
and who should it be but the cop from before.
He was stern but friendly to the waiting captain
while Dan was still fast asleep in the cabin.

“This time drive safe,” the cop said as they turned
out of the lot chewing jerky they’d earned.
Back on the freeway it felt like smooth sailing,
but Dan couldn’t sleep cause a baby was wailing.

So instead he counted the number of songs
To determine they’d taxied for far too long
Then he tried to focus with his half asleep brain
To confirm that a bus ride is faster than this plane

But his half-asleep brain didn’t count quite right
Because a bus would take as long as this flight
Still, a bus lets you walk. It has mirrors and a horn.
With a beep and some fuzz, Dan’s focus was torn.

“This is your captain” the intercom spoke.
“We’re about 10 minutes away from Houston, folks”
And Dan finally listened. The news was outstanding
He must have been sleeping through takeoff and landing.

“Whatta flight!” Dan exclaimed, but just in his head.
And in the cockpit the captain knew he’d made his bed.
They would never allow him to deplane his cargo.
They’d condemn him to flying from Decorah to Fargo.

With his fingers, his toes, and his legs all crossed,
with his heart beating fast and with his sanity lost,
he turned on his radio to plead for a gate,
To which Air traffic control just said, “Alpha 8”.

A Flight from Austin to Houston