This Fashion Season's Trendiest Trees

It’s summer 2020, and that means one thing: the summer fashion season! So I’ve got some exciting picks for what I think will be this season’s hottest trees—and which trees should be thrown into the donation pile along with last year’s HydroFlasks and miniature succulents.
 
For starters, don’t dare leave up those massive 100 year old Spruce trees towering in front of your house. Perhaps they went well with 2019’s bold eyebrows look, but this year, natural and antisocial is all the rage. That’s why, where there was a spruce last season, this year there should be a fully grown mighty Saguaro cactus. The prickliness fosters an insistent antisocial allure—i.e. Hip! Plus the challenge of keeping a Saguaro alive in a wet environment SCREAMS CLASS! Make sure to phone your local cactus dealer ASAP before all their mightiest Saguaros have been claimed by their trendiest clients.
 
Next, dig up 2019’s gaudy Crap Apple tree—it may have seemed hip when Billie Eilish’s gloomy-sounding noir pop ruled the airwaves, but now that Fiona Apple’s self-actualized post-pop reigns supreme, it’s time to plant a tree that’s actually in touch with its emotions, like a Weeping Willow. It’s crazy to think that just a year ago that Crap Apple tree seemed so cute and quaint. Well it’s OUT OF FASHION! Get that Weeping Willow in the ground. And fast!
 
Last, but certainly not least, remember when we thought Crape Myrtle trees were a good idea for the back patio? HA! Think again, because 2020 is no longer the year where everyone’s watching the flashy cutting-edge sci-fi of the Mandalorian. This year, documentaries are center stage, as we’ve been consumed with Tiger King’s implied conspiracy theories, and the Last Dance’s bitter re-examination of a now-soured glorious era. Both hit shows clearly mean there should be Navel Orange Trees on anyone who’s anyone’s back patio. This is the year where all the hippest people will be gifting home grown citrus to all their friends!
 
So! Get yourself a tree shredder, make some mulch out of those old, out of fashion trees, and you'll be this year’s hippest home on the block!