Music Review of Eli Ruffer's Album 'I Am Terrible Especially At Music'

by Eli Ruffer
Review Writer

/ Rock

September 12 2018

“I am the worst songwriter and I don’t even know how to rhyme”, I croon in the title track of I am Terrible Especially at Music. Following in the ‘everyman’ tradition of 90’s grunge rock, this album is about how everything about me—from my singing, to my songwriting, to my work ethic—is nauseatingly vile. The music is simply a vessel to hoist my worthless soul back into the garbage heap that regretfully spawned it. And guess what - every song is amazing! This album is a perfect masterpiece! The title track captures the vulgarity of my core using a less-is-more guitar riff slyly inserted beneath a slow moving, downtrodden vocal melody. That combination really helps you peer into the wretched innards where my humanity ought to be. And the lyrics are beautifully poetic about how much I hate himself. Every other song is amazing too! And they fit together so well! Simply put, this may be the greatest album ever written.

It’s a wonder how someone as abysmal as myself could have written something so gloriously earnest. Another stand out track, For Your Own Sake Don't Look at Me, points out that I am an odious hack who hides behind humor instead of searching for real truth. It’s really touching! And the lyrics are sung so vulnerably, saying “I know not even to rhyme”. The whole album makes you want to pat me on the back and tell me, “you may be irredeemably detestable, but you’re alright.” Don’t do that! As another song called Things That I Am Worse Than points out, you should feel more love for a piece of dead skin you blow off your shoulder than for any living skin sorrowfully attached to me!

Should you find yourself in the unenviable position of my scum suckingly reptilian company, you’ll want to demand to hear this triumph of an album live. Because as I sing you will see me as the repugnant harlequin I say I am. You will know you are superior. Meanwhile, you will make out a piece of yourself in the sorrowful music. You’ll have found the kindred spirit you never knew you needed. And when I finish singing, you will feel simultaneously humbled in your misery and uplifted in your spirit. But again, don’t give me a pat on the back! It’ll only feed my ego. And my ego is unjustifiably gigantic. It may be my worst quality!