JOB OPENING: Head of Business Development and Operations

IAmElis Comedy is searching for a new Head of Business Development and Operations who will be in charge of seeing to it that I develop some business, and also that my surgical operations go smoothly, as I’ve never operated on anyone before and would prefer to have supervision. The individual must possess a middle-of-the-road business acumen—I don’t like to feel stupid—and mustn’t be squeamish around blood (unless they’re good at hiding it). Compensation is commensurate on whether or not you can beat me in a thumb war.

Responsibilities:

-The head of Business Development and Operations is responsible for being the one of us that goes to business school
-Writes business memos to keep me updated on whether or not there’s any business
-Carries the IAmElis Comedy brand with a bashful prowess. For example, maybe you’re wearing a shirt with our logo in the upper left corner, and when someone asks you about the shirt, you wouldn’t know what they’re talking about for a second. But then when you look down to check which shirt you’re wearing, their question makes more sense, so you have a hearty chuckle. After the chuckle, you explain that your shirt is for an exciting new multi-platform comedy conglomerate, of which you are the head of business development and operations. You leave out the horrifying things you’ve seen.
-In charge of stepping in if any complications arise while performing an operation or while playing Operation. Obviously I don’t expect complications. But it’s still good to build redundancies into business and medicine I’m pretty sure.
-Leads development of regular business, but not funny business. Around here, I develop the funny business
-Pleasantly surprises me when I least expect it. Creative ways preferred.
-Eventually leads a tour of five young misfit contest winners in order to determine which of them is pure enough of heart to take over the IAmElis Comedy factory after I grow too old to do so
-Minimum 4-5 years of experience working in IAmEli’s Comedy brands
-Maximum 1 week of experience doing anything else (because focus and dedication are important)

Since our beginning, IAmElis Comedy has prided itself. An ideal candidate will also pride themself. While we believe that everyone should pride themselves, an ideal candidate will especially—because someone that especially prides themself will fit in good.

CORE QUALITIES

Willing to lend me money
-This may seem obvious since you’ll be in charge of the business, but it’s worth making explicit

Walks at a reasonable pace
-walking is a very important part of the creative business and of operations too, so the ideal candidate will walk at the correct speed

Strong Verbal Communication Skills
-Most meetings are held while pacing along train platforms, so you’ll need to speak over the train noises

Strong Listening Skills
-I refuse to yell over the trains, so I will just keep talking at my normal level. You’re going to have to lean closer

Please send a copy of your resume and cover letter to a sky writing company, and then have them write it somewhere I can see it.